DENVER -- Brave, funny, and eclectic is how Kathy describes her twin daughters, Amanda and Sara Eldritch. They loved art and music and they dreamed of a life where they could enjoy their passions without the burdens of their illness.
The twins were diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsion Disorder (OCD) as teenagers. They suffered from extreme anxiety and obsessive behaviors which included 10-hour long showers and scrubbing and cleaning their home for several hours every day. In addition, they suffered from deep depression.
They wanted a better life. They tried alternative treatments and therapy. They even agreed to Deep Brain Stimulation surgery, becoming the first patients in Colorado to undergo the procedure for OCD. It did provide relief from the anxiety and the obsessive behaviors.
Their mother said that despite a few years filled with many good days, the depression never left them. This past spring, Amanda and Sara ended their lives together.
Their mother Kathy remembered her daughters at their memorial service with the eulogy posted below. She said she hopes their lives and legacy will serve to educate others about OCD and mental illness.
Here is the full eulogy:
Thank you for being here this afternoon to honor the amazing and courageous lives of Amanda and Sara Eldritch. Their beautiful earthly life tragically ended on the morning of March 30th.
Today, we wonder how the sun rises each morning, or even why. We wonder when the gray cast will lift from the sky and it will be blue again. We wonder how the first flowers of spring can break through the hard, cold bleakness of winter. We wonder why the stars have the audacity to shimmer each evening. We wonder when the night won’t be so gut wrenchingly lonely and terrifying. We wonder why these two incredible young women will never again dance into our days with their giggles, goofy hats and Misfits songs blaring from their phone. We simply wonder why. There are no answers; just anguish and unfathomable heartbreak.
I believe there is a purpose, I have to believe there is a purpose for their deaths; one that can’t be acknowledged or deciphered. God’s plan for Sara and Amanda is so much greater than our limited human comprehension. But for today, we mourn, we cry, we grieve, we question.
There was a book written several years ago by Robert Fulghum titled “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” For me, All I Really Need to Know I Learned from my Daughters:
1. Candles - - - they are meant to be burned. Don’t save them, use them, light them. Candles bring warmth and brighten the dark corners, so light them all! They are inexpensive, you can buy more. There is always a candle lighted in my home now.
2. Glitter - - - craft herpes. Once you get it on your shoes, clothes, furniture, hands, it never goes away . . . never.
3. Music - - - play it loud, whether it’s the Misfits, Wagner or Johnny Cash. Have an appreciation and open-mind for all types of music; it is balm to the soul and gets your feet moving. Choose music over television, and you don’t have to deal with the stupefying commercials.
4. Dancing - - - See music. Dance to the music, and dance like everyone is watching because really, who cares, and you never know, they might want to learn the dance moves!
5. Pets - - - Not everyone should have a pet; especially a dog. Just because you can toss some food in a bowl or open the back door to let them out, you don’t necessarily deserve a dog. They need training, exercise, stimulation, attention and tons of love. Make sure you can offer them that, and if you do get a pet, rescue one. There are so many homeless pets that need a forever home.
6. Cars - - - Cars are a metal canvas for stickers, magnets, spray paint, studs, spikes, markers and shirt paint. The fact that a car is for transportation is truly secondary.
7. Washers and Dryers - - - These should be made to withstand chains, studs, spikes, spray paint, shirt paint, safety pins, glue, duct tape, hair dye, nails, screws, bolts, shoes, change and an errant hammer or screw driver. These appliances should also be able to withstand at least five loads of laundry with the above contents every day.
8. Hair - - - Let your hair be a palette and an expression of your individuality. Don’t hesitate to do something “adventurous” or out of the box. The advantage of hair is that is grows, so if you don’t like the color, style or length, don’t worry; it’s not permanent and will grow back. Eye brows, on the other hand, take a little longer to recover. . .
9. Tattoos and piercings - - - Your skin also be a palette and a canvas of your personality and individuality. But, do choose wisely, as tattoos and piercings are mostly permanent, unlike red or black hair. Never be afraid to express yourself regardless of what anyone thinks is “normal” or acceptable. It is your body after all.
10. The sun - - - the sun is essential for life but protect yourself from its rays. Wear hats, sunglasses and sunscreen.
11. Cos-play/dressing up – is not just for Halloween or small children. Sara and Amanda were never happier than when they were pirates, super girl or cat woman, The Master of Ceremonies and Sally Bowles from Cabaret, The Dee Twins, trash pandas, Vampire Girl/Zombie Girl or in full fiend attire at a MisFits concert. And, if you should ever see someone who is bright green with a 12” blond mohawk, they probably won’t eat your children.
12. Halloween - - - Amanda and Sara’s favorite holiday. See cos-play. Why should dressing up and being in costume be reserved for just one day a year? They started celebrating Halloween around September 15th when Spirit Halloween stores started cropping up. Wigs, make-up, fangs, fake blood . . . all were regular accouterments in our home.
13. Intelligence - - - don’t “dumb it down,” especially women. We live in a society where women are still demeaned and belittled fortheirintelligence, or told they are arrogant and aggressive. Many may not know that Amanda and Sara had genius IQs; they said that “smart was the new sexy.”
14. Regrets - - - don’t have any. Make sure those close to you always know how much they are loved, cherished, adored and cared about. We never know when we might not have the chance to ever tell them again.
15. Guilt - - - See regrets; don’t have any. Guilt is a tremendous waste of energy, emotion and time.
16. Take a few chances - - - See regrets. It’s a wonderful world out there with grand adventures, mysteries to discover, and opportunities to experience. Challenge yourself, stretch your boundaries. Don’t be defined by societies’ constraints or someone else’s opinion. This is your time; have fun!
17. Respect - - - treat everyone with respect, you don’t know their story, you don’t know their journey. And, treat animals with respect as they don’t have a voice.
18. Love - - - Love with all your heart, might, soul, and strength, even if just once in your life. And, when you say, “I love you”, mean it! Let it never, ever be a platitude, a banal phrase or a conversation ender. Mean it with every fiber of your being.
I could talk for hours about my daughters. It was never a secret that they were the two most important, valued, treasired and loved people in my life. I adored them, fought for them, sacrificed for them, laughed with them, danced with them, and cried with them. Their joy was my joy, their pain was my pain. I will miss them every second of every day for the remainder of my life.
Now, we say goodbye to these remarkable, brave, eclectic, passionate, imaginative, creative, strong, brilliant, empathetic, caring and loving young women, whose lives were much too short. However, their legacy, their story, does not, and will not, end here. Amanda and Sara were trail blazers and their ground-breaking surgeries, progress and work toward mental illness awareness and healing will continue. Unfortunately, there is no cure for mental illness, but functionality and a release from the grip of this insidious disease is possible and attainable. My prayer is that no parent should face the excruciating, searing pain and devastation of a child’s death due to the ravages of mental illness. Anyone who knows me well, knows I will be committed, tenacious and relentless in this battle.
Sara and Amanda’s last text to me read, “we’ve got this, mom.” And now, ladies, I’ve got this. Your struggle is over; fly away and be free. Always in my heart . . .
